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The words are just like ... words, I guess.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

A fairytale comes to an end...

So...
 
Before I can even write about how much fun I had at Sadie's.... him.
 
"But [your] too cool for his trash anyways" (Christy)... er thanks I guess.
 
I suppose I best recap the day form the beginning before coming to any distinction about my feelings...
 
Today I woke up very late... 10:00 to be exact, which meant if I went straight downstairs, and got in my car, I would be on time to my math class.  Jackson had already left and arrived at SCC.  So, by the time I was ready to go, I was a half hour late.  Basically, my response was "screw it" and I stooped at a Starbucks.  After grabbing my favorite drink (A Chai Tea latte for those who don't know, and you can always bring me one *grin*) I went to the high school.  I of course visited Mrs. Dufford, and spent quite a bit of time in her class.  After a sufficient amount of time was wasted there, I wandered first lunch...
 
Side Note:  During first lunch, I ran into Van again, and he told me that he had 15 pounds of candy that he was to "dispense" during first lunch.  I lost track of him and actually forgot about his plans, until when looking up at the ledge in the commons.  I saw a figure quickly pop up and fling the contents of a bag of candy over the entire student body.  People screamed like they was gunfire.  The dork had thrown five pounds of hard candy off a one story ledge.  Priceless.... why yes.
 
(That's right, I just slapped in my copy of "Melody in F", I plan on torturing myself long and hard tonight)
 
After my visits at lunch, I wasted yet more time in Winslow's class.  The story goes that he was using a Tesla coil on his students (causing many of them to scream loudly and the class to laugh hysterically).  So this is the setup, and he takes one of the best screamers as it were from yesterday and invites her to come up and give it another go.  She of coarse does, and its downright hilarious.  She raised her leg in spasm and screamed.  I was laughing a bit hard, so Mr. Winslow turns to me and says "Maybe you should try it then?".  I simply replied "Mr. Winslow, how many times do you think I've been electrocuted in my life?" and walked over to where he was.  I grab the copper pipe acting as a ground, then the electrode, and shrug.  He begins to light me up, and much to the classes amazement, I don't move, nor do I say anything.  He progressively turns the dial, administering a larger charge, soon the generator is on maximum output... I just stand there.  The whole class is just laughing.  Then I enjoyed a recap on quantum physics, but it came the appointed time when I go to lunch arrived.  I said "adeu" and left the class.
 
(I've exhausted my supply of laffy taffy... this is not good... not good at all)
 
 In walking on my way out the door, who do I see but my uber best friend, Samantha.  I'm approached with an enthusiastic "YOU! I saw your car, I've been looking everywhere for you!", and without understanding what was happening, she grabbed me by the arm, and I was headed to my car.  It was understood at some point that Sam was going to come with me to U-Hi, I just had to have her back to the high school in time for class.  So we drove.  Pulling in to U-Hi's parking I give Sam the lo-down on getting into the school, and we slip undetected amongst the masses. I usually arrive a minute or two before the actual lunch starts.  So I escort Sam into the DECA room, and we sit.  "Rick, is there usually people here?", I tell to wait, "Where is he?", in class I respond.  The Bell sounds.  People slowly find there way to the DECA store as they always do.  He doesn't great me as he usually does, with a hug or such.  Didn't think of it then, but it was true.  He simply gave the appearance of being tired.  Sam was introduced to the crowd and some light conversation ensued, at some point, Zack interrupted and told me that he had to check in with the office and motioned to me to come along.  Being the faithful boyfriend sidekick, I came.  Sam, not knowing a soul in the room scurries to catch up.  We walk to the attendance office, and in a matter of seconds, Zack's issues are resolved, at what point we then tour the school to check in with his teachers.  We begin to wander the school, Zack talked about Al Frankin and we made our way in and out of several classes finding not a single teacher, and completed our tour in the Commons once again.  Sam (not my Sam, a friend of Zack's) comes up quickly to Zack and whispers in his ear, she had a pleasant, near excited expression as she approached, but I didn't see it as she left.  I would assume in retrospect that she saw that me and Zack still looked rather pleasant and assumed all had turned out well.  Upon coming close to the DECA room again, Zack turns and utters the words "Can I speak with you in private?", my heart sank... if he didn't think I knew what was coming... Sam wasn't paying attention, and I mentioned that private didn't mean her.  She waited for me, and Zack and I took a seat.
 
More correctly Zack sat on the steps and i stood much like a Captain Morgan commercial facing him.  His next words didn't surprise me, but still hurt.  "I would like to break up.", he says without a hint of emotion.  Like a solid state transistor, on to off.  I changed my posture to sit beside him, my head was screaming... I wanted to say "I know" or rather "I knew", but all I recall being able to muster was a simple "Oh?".  I had known this was the moment, and decided not to show any emotion at all, to guard myself, bite my lip and ignore the pain.  He didn't offer any more words for a moment, and I waited.  "May I ask why?", I finally got the words out, they stumbled like I had taffy in my mouth, and I just looked at him.  His reply was disappointing, mostly in the fact that it didn't help me understand at all, "I never felt it click." was his simple, painless answer.  A stab of pain ran through me again... and I'm gonna rant here for a second, but don't worry ... it all comes back:
 
I have served as the council for many of my friends over the years, and thus have greatly developed Interpersonal skills.  Ironic I know, but anymore I know people, I can read them.  It's taken work, reading, but I think it's all worth it.  Basically, I know a lot about people, and I'm going to share something I've learned.  ["Your Song" begins to play on my speakers, this was the song that Zack and I danced too, and I find myself crying again] Whatever Zack's motives were to break up with me, it was important that he make it easy for himself to deal with.  Not him, all people, if one didn't take such steps, the pain would be too eminence and it would never come to pass.  Zack made it easier by convincing himself that we never shared anything special.  Now how this works is the interesting part, when people want to believe something, they actually project current feelings on a topic or person backwards in time.  Example, I've started to tell myself that I never believed the church was true.  This is done to help me leave the church, and to reduce the guilt and hurt, when the blatant truth is when I look at my journals, I did believe.  Not saying either way, its true that I did believe, whatever I try to tell myself, and were it not for evidence like that, I wouldn't.  I call this "inverse time projection".  The premise is that you take the present "I don't believe the church", and project it into the past "I never believed in the church".  Tying this in, I think that in order to help Zack cope, he projected the idea that there was nothing special anymore, to there never was.
 
Don't you remember our first date?  How about the day we went to make copies?  The shoe laces?  What of our first kiss, intermission, Stuie, family guy?  Taco bell, skin heads, and deep conversation?  You held my hand while driving, was it out of obligation?  You asked me to Sadie's, didn't you have fun... would you have preferred to be alone with Heather?  The late night phone calls, or the 8:00 goodnight voice mail?  Corpse bride, do you remember... can you forget me trying DDR?  Consulting your friend in the DECA room?  The sneaky purple Hyundai?  The kiss in the dark?  My poor page turning in the choir room?
 
I sure see a lot of never there...
 
I hope everyone understands the frustration of "never felt it click"... honestly, were you paying attention?  To be honest, someone else caught your attention and you forgot about me to make it work.  Either you are the greatest actor I've ever met, or you are very much confused.
 
I'm sorry, but this all shot through my mind as he said the words "never clicked".  I suppose that my next words show the kind of person I am, spineless.  "I understand"  ... I understand?  I know why I said it, I was trying to make everything easy for everyone, but I don't "understand", in fact no one does.  So it fell silent, and he breaks my thoughts with the words "I'm sorry", I simply thought that you don't apologise in this process, it's sick.  My focus shifted, I simply wanted to know what I did wrong... what could make him change him mind in such a way.  He expressed that I did nothing wrong, that I was exactly what he was looking for, but it never clicked... he had to utter that phrase again?  What does it really mean?  About this time a pair of girls approached Zack, greeting him, and asking who I was.  What he said next really hurt, something along the lines of "boyfriend for about a month"... he turned to me, "I believe I just used the wrong tense didn't I?", we resolved that he used "Present Perfect" when "Past" was intended... and that didn't seem to sink in with the girls, after explicitly describing that we just "broke up", they went into "Do gay guys keep a chart of 'who slept with who' like Lesbians?" after they had completely distracted us and began to leave, he hugged me, I barley gave any response.  As we stood up, and began to move to the DECA room once again, he says "Oh, and there is something else...", I quickly reply "There is someone else isn't there?", and he without missing a beet says "Yes... it's Heather".  This was the first point where I showed any emotion whatsoever, "A GIRL?!?" was my response.  Really, how much do you want to mess with me here?  Come on!  After that was resolved, we entered to find Sam once again, I was looking rather calm, quite an achievement.  Sam kinda knew, and just watched what happened next.  I greeted Tyler at the door, not much said.  The first thing to happen was Heather approached me, hugged me, and simply said "I was petrified you would hate me", I reassured her that the thought never once entered my mind.  Many of my new friends all gave me hugs, many saying "We're so confused right now", and "I'm so sorry", I was now that I started to tear, ... I was upset because I knew this was goodbye.  I won't see them everyday at lunch, or much of ever I suppose.  I said my goodbyes, hugged Zack once more, and left.  Upon crossing the threshold of the door, Sam asks what happened, I told her she knew, and I know she did... she just wanted to be sure.  I broke down, and cried... all the way out the door.  I cried in the car, and Sam let my work know that I wasn't coming as I took her back to the high school.

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