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The words are just like ... words, I guess.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Why arn't all the right things enough?

So the last few days have been rough, but im determined to handle it gracefully. I've heard more of Gary in past weeks and It's hard for me to know that not only is he gone, but he's happy with someone else. I always have and will maintain that I love him, in fact enough to wish him happiness if it meens someone else. The only problem is that that selfish part of me still wants him for myself, and I'm even bold enough to say to myself that he'd be happy with me. I've put together some great self respect over the last few months. I've improved my body image, taken work seriously while protecting myself as well... all because I want to be the man he can tell that he loves again.

Seems a big changed happened when he was away for about a month some time ago, I actually tried to get Jackson to find out if he was purposfully ignoring me (which I wouldn't be offended if he did). When he came back, I got a whole spin on my world. The person whom I was doing my part, well... it seemed anyway, for was seeing someone else, living with them, and happy. So now I guess the real test happened... even though I've not got a snowballs chance in hell, I'm going to keep tring. I'll always keep tring, and I'm terrified he'll push me away because of it. There are so many things that happen in the days I just want to be able to tell him, but now I get bits and peaces where I can.

I was even reading old emails, the ones from my last breakdown. Even in those moments, he was so good to me... and its these lines that have driven me for months now:

"I completely agree with you. It takes a lot to fix things like this, but time is a big factor. It still bothers me, but I know for a fact that it won’t last forever and I want the same thing."

I've read 'em so many times, treated it almost like a promace that whatever was said or not said as is often the case, theres hope.

I guess I'm finally reflecting a bit because of how profound that phone call was, I meen, just his voice... It ment the world. I've been throwing around how to get moved to San Dieago still even. I meen, if he ever gave me the shot... I'd be there.

I guess I'm bummed mainly that I've asked for forgiveness and made stides in my life (some more difficult then he's aware) to ensure that I'd never hurt him in such a way again... all I've needed was a second chance, but it's not Gary to give second chances... even to whom he loves as well it seems. If only he found the grace to trust me again.

So I'll sit quietly, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. But it's hard when I know that he's happy, because I'm jelous of a man I don't even know. If I had just a few words for him, I'd make him promace to always be good to my love, better then even I was able to be.

Sometimes I get glimmers of hope, usually when he calls me "hun", or sends kiss emoticons when drunk, but durring the day it serves to remind me of what I'm missing out on.

Sadly this drive of mine is killing my ability to be good to Zac, and thats entirely not fair. I've got to talk to him about it, because thats what's hardest for me to do. I'll do it tonight after dinner with the family. I have to see if he wants to work through this with me; because I've got to live my life. In being the person I should be, I should also live too shound't I? Hard to figure that bit out. It's tragic to me that my mom knows about the love of my life after it looks to be over, but in any regard, I told her I may move to San Dieago, I may not. She knows hes seing someone else, and tries to use it to dismmiss the value him and I had, which infuriates me.

Anyway, I'm not ready to take his picture off my desk... I'm not ready to stop hoping that love knows no distance.

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