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The words are just like ... words, I guess.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I’m not fine, not OK

Nothing has changed except that I've stopped intruding on your relationship. I still think about you all day, more than ever it seems. I've done everything I can, but it wasn't enough, not right now. I just wish you would have given me some direction, some way back. I had a dream about you about a week and a half ago. It was the most vivid one yet. I was in Seattle, and somehow ended up in "Japan" though it was undeniable that what I saw was probably San Diego. Had the car with me, ran into a German exchange student from high school. Asked around to find you, but when I went to "your office" which I remember in odd detail, I didn't go in. I sat and waited for you. Gary, I'm here, for how long I can't say. About to get a big raise at work, so I'm basically secure for life.


I've spent a lot of time and effort going to the gym, tanning, going to spas, personal trainers, etc. I've built up my confidence and self esteem to know that I am valuable. I've loved you Gary, I've gave it my all, and if that's not enough, someone else out there will think so. I've not given up this fight easily, but I can't seem to crack your armor, can't seem to see a way in. When you're ready to grow up and work through this, look me up, because I never stop fighting for love. Until then, I'll keep looking for someone who with tough it out with me.


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